Hope

I've been clinically depressed for a long time. During the past 12 or so months, everything crashed. My meds weren't working well, I couldn't get out of bed much less accomplish anything, and I lost both of my jobs.

My family and friends have been supporting me emotionally and, since my savings ran out, financially.

A few weeks ago, I finally pulled myself off the couch and sought help at the VA. For so long I could see no light at the end of the depressive tunnel. But I finally glimpsed some hope, and it was enough to spur me to seek help. Since then I've still struggled daily with the mess of emotions this mood disorder brings. But for some reason, the clouds are parting. There's a fragile, gossamer ladder hanging to the bottom of the well where I am, and I hope...HOPE...to be able to muster what it takes to reinforce it enough to climb the hell out of here.

I know, so many clichés. So what? They're accurate and adequate.

Sometimes people are ridiculed for reading self-help books. But what's worse is not being able to give two shits about helping yourself in the first place. So I'll freely admit I'm reading two self-help books at once right now. One is goal-centered; the other is about treating depression.

• The Nerdist Way: How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life)
• Winter Blues, Fourth Edition: Everything You Need to Know to Beat Seasonal Affective Disorder

I'm not far into either of them yet, so I don't have criticism. What's important is that I'm presented with options and find inspiration to work daily to improve my situation. So far, so good. But really, I wouldn't have acquired either book in the first place if I didn't think the authors had something helpful to say.

You may notice that the release date for this edition of Winter Blues is in late 2012. Yes, I've been sent an advance copy which I'm reading and then will submit my comments to the publisher. It's sort of a pathetic little morsel of one of my old dreams, to have my feedback on publications valued. Gotta start somewhere.

Anyway, I'm making list upon list of goals and prioritizing, and I decided that one thing I need to do for my mental health is journal. I hate writing by hand; it's unwieldy, tedious, time-consuming, and tiring. Lucky you, I've decided to spew my crap here instead.

It's been said that happiness & success are in the journey, not the destination. So another broad goal I have is to develop daily habits that I had when I was happiest, including having a set bedtime/straightening out my days & nights and expending some calories in a semi-athletic manner.

Because of standards set by an entity I will not name here, I'll be doing one minute of push-ups, one minute of sit-ups, and an hour on the treadmill daily. That's the goal, at least.