Brat

Years ago I was subscribed to some motivational newsletter. Back when I used a Hotmail account. I can't remember what it was called. One thing I remember the writer saying is if you really want something, you should pursue it like a child does. Can you remember a time when you were a kid and wanted something really badly? I can. I would beg and scheme endlessly.

I'm not sure why I've lost that tenacity as an adult. Maybe I just don't have the energy for it anymore. Maybe it's too easy to think of all the reasons why something isn't instead of ways to make it so.

What reminded me of that point was waking up this morning and realizing my workout clothes were still wet in the washer. I aim to hop onto the treadmill as soon as I'm finished with my coffee so I can ride that caffeine-induced wave of energy. 

Knowing my workout clothes were wet and that they should not be put into a hot dryer due to potentially ruining all the stretchiness responsible for jiggle control (which--let's face it--I really value in activewear), I was annoyed. Then I realized: why do they have to be dry to wear them? I'm not leaving the house. I won't sit while wearing them. They're going to get gross and sweaty in the first 15 minutes. Screw it, I'm wearing them wet.

And I did.

I got my way because I was a stubborn brat who knew what I wanted and what needed to be done, and it worked. 

Now if I can just make that a habit and turn it into money...

Bump-Jostle-Jostle-Irk

I've hit a bump in the road. It started around Sunday. I didn't want to do crap. But it was Sunday, so I didn't. Monday was the same, but I at least got on the treadmill. Yesterday I did an errand and put out the trash. And that's it.

I look around and see that my housekeeping is going down hill again, and my mind pretty much screams at me when I realize I need to get off the couch for anything.

I'm apathetic, and I'm not sure why. But I'm about to do the music/coffee/sunlight combo to see if it helps. Maybe I can be apathetic while in motion.

Happy March!

You guys, I just accidentally threw my dogs' ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard. So instead of going over there to retrieve it, I'm journaling to alleviate my anxiety.

I don't fiddle with the admins stuff enough to know what the heck I'm doing regarding following other blogs, but check out my followers in the sidebar over there. They have their own blogs, and they're smart peoples. To give you an idea how clumsy I am with this site, I just almost followed my own blog trying to follow theirs. So...yeah.

So, happy March! The winter weather here hasn't been terrible, but I'm loving 70F-ish, sunny, and breezy. I think it helps my mood.

I'm working hard on keeping my routines, but I'm admittedly falling short. Three things I've had to newly resolve to do each morning:
-Eat & have coffee as soon as I get up
-Open the blinds and let some light into my cozy cave
-Turn on the radio--up-tempo music wakes me up. Lots of bass is a plus.

Also, I've found that taking my antidepressant at night helps me sleep. Go figure. When the doc prescribed it, he said, "Ok, there are two that fit your budget. One mellows you out and should be taken at bedtime. The other has an energizing effect and should be taken in the morning." Since I have trouble getting out of bed, I chose the "energizing" one. So I've been taking that every morning and struggling to get anything done. But guess what? I missed it the other morning and tried it at night. It helped me fall sleep! I thought it might be a fluke, so I've continued this way for the past few days and...yep. About 2hrs after I take it, my mind gets quieter. Go freakin' figure.

I haven't been reading those books. The good news is: I can pinpoint why I've stalled on each one.

For Winter Blues, it's because of what I've learned about Transcendental Meditation (TM) via YouTube. Winter Blues includes ideas for beating depression; there's a new chapter included on TM. I ran across some videos on YouTube and went to the websites mentioned in the videos. Long story short, people espousing the benefits of TM insist that it's impossible to learn TM via book, video, CDs, etc. This is horrible news for people like me because there's no way to afford hiring a practitioner for lessons. It really just smacked of scam. I'm quite disillusioned. So it's put me off the book, and I haven't read any more of it since. I will read it, though, because I promised. Also, chances are there are other suggestions included that can help.

For The Nerdist Way, there's homework in Part One. It stopped me in my tracks. I'm having a hard time visualizing the system of points he lays out, for some reason. I haven't given up, I've just put it aside and am refusing to beat myself up about stalling. I have so much paper clutter in my house, I am hesitant to do things via hard copy, and I became annoyed trying to do it in Excel (the homework suggests using graph paper) when I couldn't even visualize it and my screen was too tiny to fully examine the examples from the website. But as I said, I haven't given up. I told my therapist I'm willing to try anything for progress, and I think what Hardwick has to say will be valuable to me.

Someone on Twitter just suggested that I throw the dog over to get the ball back. HA! :-D That's thinkin' outside the yard!

Yeah, so other major stuff:
-Didn't get the most recent job I was gunning for
-Dominated on cardio this week
-Kicked ass on yard work yesterday

What a boring life I lead! But it's all good.

Cardio--I'm practically breaking my arm patting myself on the back because I have done 20-60 min on the treadmill almost every single day since my last post! Wow! I did take Sunday off because my body said "F.U." due to the yard work I did on Saturday. But I even hopped onto the treadmill on Saturday after yard work! So, there! Put that in your pipe, etc.

So interesting that a certain entity requires a certain level of fitness but provides crap for training on how to achieve their standards. They provide no initial or recurring education, but they're quick to punish and belittle.

Here's what I've learned: to work on the speed of your running, you should run at a pace of 180 steps per minute. Since, as I stated before, up-tempo music helps me get moving, I've kept the local pop station blaring on my stereo while on the treadmill. It is hard to find music that's 180 beats per minute (bpm) but fairly easy to find music that's 90 bpm. I can't find the motivation to actually cobble together a playlist right now, but when I finally do, I'm going to use DJ BPM Studio's site to build it.

In the meantime, here are some songs I've heard on the radio that really help keep my mind off the drudgery of the treadmill.

• Party Rock Anthem (LMFAO)
• Sexy and I Know It (LMFAO)
• Stronger (Kelly Clarkson)
• Set Fire to the Rain (Adele)

I'll post more as I think of them.

And with that, I have to leave you to do my treadmill time right now. I've procrastinated far too long today, and I still need to shower and go meet my neighbors. :-o
Peace.

Fat Girl on a Little Bike

The below happened and was written a few years ago...2006, I think?


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Anyone who has been out of shape eventually gets the wake-up call that they're no longer a spring chicken.  My "holy crap!" moment came when my pal Russ invited me to tag along for a "critical mass" bike ride near downtown San Antonio, Texas. 

That evening, I headed over to Russ's house around 6.  He'd said they do this ride every Thursday, so I believed and trusted him completely on every little detail of what I should expect, including "it's an easy ride," "it won't be very hot since it's in the evening," and "I think there's one small hill, but it's easy."  

So we go downtown, I was outfitted with Russ daughter's helmet and bicycle, and I actually wore shorts in public.  He suggested that I ride the bike around in the parking lot for a little while to get used to it.  It was kinda scary!  I hadn't ridden a normal bike (as opposed to stationary) in about 7 years.

We finally mounted up at 7:30.  Russ said there were probably about 100 people riding.  Shortly after starting, I realized that Russ was leaving me behind, so I tried to catch up with him.  Well it was lots harder than I thought it would be!  So I finally just gave up and went at my own (embarrassingly slow) pace.  Kids were passing me, and I don't mean teenagers. I'm talking third graders, here.  

Then we hit a hill.  OhMyGod!  I downshifted, and it was still hard.  I didn't trust my balance enough to stand up on the pedals and use my weight, so it was pretty rough.  Then we stopped for a stoplight, THANK GOD, but we stopped right next to a roadkilled possum.  PEW!!  

So we turned the corner when the light changed and went up the Mother of All Hills.  I had to get off of the bike near the top and finish it.  After the hill, we rode a bit more, then we hit ANOTHER hill.  My legs were about to give out; I couldn't believe it!!  My legs were worse-off than my lungs or heart.  Ugh.  So I walked the second half of that hill.  And the bad thing is--I could barely even WALK up that hill!  OhMyGod!  It felt like I'd mysteriously teletransported to freaking San Francisco!  

When I reached the Trinity University campus, I found that Russ had stopped to wait for me.  I told Russ I wanted to throw in the towel, but he and a couple other people encouraged me, "Don't worry, that's the last hill."  So I followed Russ down this strangely LOOOOOOOOONG, winding ramp which he navigated--no problemo!  I tried braking, but it didn't work as well as I would've liked, so I put one foot down (witnesses later described it as "Flintstone style") and wound up CRASHING--on a handicap ramp! One would think a handicap ramp would be safe to roll down, yes?  

After carefully extracting my leg from the space between the torture device disguised as a handrail and the evil bicycle, I gingerly hobbled down to a picnic area and let myself down onto a bench.  There were people who had hung behind...much to my dismay.  Whenever I fall or do something otherwise stupid, I instinctively look around to see if anyone saw.  This time, someone definitely saw.

I guess they're really big into teamwork and safety, so a guy and a girl came over to the bench with me.  Russ had stopped at the bottom to wait for me, and I told him, "Come back to pick me up in the car later.  I can't go any farther!"  So I sat down, and this guy asked, "Are you ok?  How do you feel?"  I said, "I'm tired and dizzy and I'm beginning to see spots."  

Then he said, "Look directly at me."  So I did, and he said, "You have heat exhaustion.  Are you nauseated?"  Um, it was 95 degrees in the shade, I'd spent two full minutes huffing rotten possum fumes, I'd just biked/hiked more hills than I've ever cared to traverse without the help of a motor, and I'm embarrassed beyond belief.  Yes, I was nauseated!  So he went away and brought back a cute, teeny-bopper female lifeguard from the pool to see the carnage and a dripping wet towel which he had me put on my neck.  He told me to take off my shoes.  Then he very nicely lectured me about drinking enough water and eating enough before I ride.  

Anyway, they were really, really nice to me.  I kept telling them I was OK, just tired, and I'd be all right if I could just sit there and not have to ride ever again!  


The lifeguard (Colleen) said I could come sit with her at the pool to watch men's water polo practice and put my feet in the water 'til Russ came back with the car.  (Who was I to argue?!?  Sweet!) She told me that my lips were purple when she first brought out the towel for me, but after a while they turned pink again.  She also cleaned up my wound from my crash--puncture wounds at the bottom of my right calf from the gear thingie poking me.  It looks like it is deep enough that it will scar.  Joy!  Not that I wear shorts so often. 

OH!  And I RACKED myself on that bar that goes from the seat to the handlebars.  OW!  I've never been happier to be testicle-free!

The guy, girl and Russ all told me not to let the crash discourage me from coming out to the ride next week.  (Fat chance!) They said to drink tons of water all day Wednesday and Thursday so I'd be hydrated in time for the ride Thursday evening.  Once Russ brought the car back to the pool, he said that that guy who was asking all the questions was a cop who's also a paramedic.  Hey, free emergency health care!  Russ also said that if I hadn't improved quickly enough, that guy probably would've called an ambulance.  Uh, yeah--that's the LAST thing I need is medical bills!  They overreacted a little bit, but it was a good wakeup call for me that I am totally and completely out of shape.


© 2011 Deana Wallace

Privacy Concerns

I'm admittedly trying to step out of my comfort zone. Therefore, I'm using my real name here, relating real stories, and giving real opinions. This is a big change from my antidepressant-induced filtered content (read: just stuff I said verbally and on Facebook) of the past several years.

My theory is this: if you know what's going on with me, and I tell you firsthand, nobody can blackmail me. LOL No, I don't consider myself important enough (or rich enough!) to blackmail by any means. But really. I'm not going to pull a Jeremy Clarkson and post all my information online. But I don't deny that if anyone wanted to, they could probably glean enough information about me from the interwebs to srsly hurt me.

Well, that's life. Screw it. I have very little left. I don't know what kind of human being would try to put me into the gutter. That's a reflection on them, not on my "carelessness" with personal information. Anyway, I'm middle-aged and, at best, I have 50 years to go. Oh wait, that's a helluva long time!

Then again, carpe diem. I'm tired of living in obscurity and poverty. If my family (and...ahem...certain other entities--ok, I guess I'm not being completely open) wouldn't be outraged, I'd show you my tits! But don't mistake this for awfully deviant behavior. I lived in Europe for a while, and boobs are no big deal. I mean, really. How is it fair that guys get to go without shirts/tops at the beach and we don't? Do you wear a bra 24x7 at home? If so, heaven help you (so to speak).

So! All that being said, I may or may not write about bananas. But I am going upstairs for a while to try to take a better self-portrait for my LinkedIn profile. I need f***ing job, already.

Tchuss,
 Deana

© 2011 Deana Wallace

Random Story About a Guy I Knew

I dated a guy once who didn't drink. He said it wasn't a problem that I liked to go to bars with my friends. This was quickly revealed to be a half-truth as his snide comments about alcohol consumption of any sort became more and more frequent. 


But that's not why I wrote him off. 


I was working shift-work at the time, and I gave him specific hours that I was available. Anything outside those hours meant that I was either at work or asleep, and sleep is very important to me as I am naturally low-energy. However, I was required to leave my phone ringer on at all times because I was on call. 


Who should call me one day while I was sleeping but this guy. I promptly, firmly, and courteously told him I'd been sleeping and would call him back later. He responded, "Sleep? Who needs sleep? You'll get all the sleep you need when you're dead!" 


I hung up on him, deleted his number from my phone, and never talked to him again. 


~The End~