Recipe: Strawberry Gravy [status: untested]

I don't have the resources to experiment much in the kitchen these days, so somebody try this for me.

The Bloggess just posted the BEST IDEA EVER: STRAWBERRY GRAVY.

I tried to think what she might mean by that. We'll just ignore all the possibilities of what it could be drizzled (or POURED) on top of; let's just think about how to make it.

Here was my suggestion*:

*Actual screencap of my comment on The Bloggess's page

So what do you think? 

Suggestions as to whether the flour and the puree would really work? 

Should I be more precise regarding how the heavy cream is sweetened?

What do you think it would taste like?

What might it be good with?

Feel free to make your comments over on The Bloggess's post instead of here. But truthfully, unless you make them here, I'll probably never see them.

Toodles.

Oh! P.S.: I'm putting a list of Depression blog posts written by other sufferers in the sidebar. It might just have one today, but I'll have to google a bunch to find the ones I've read before. 

Twitter: New-Fangled Confessional Booth?

I love Twitter. I like it that people say there what they might not say otherwise, even if they delete the tweet within 30 seconds of posting it.

Twitter has also brought to my attention some people of note who suffer from mental illness, the most recent being Peter Serafinowicz.


Peter "is an English actor, comedian, writer, composer, voice artist and occasional director," who was the voice of Darth Maul in "The Phantom Menace," and played Pete in "Shaun of the Dead." For Anglophiles: he's also been in "Spaced," "The IT Crowd," and "Black Books." [IMDB entry]


Today, Peter shared via Twitter a blog post written by Amy Jane Smith (whose name makes me think she's the offspring of The Doctor & River Song) along with sharing that he, too, suffers from Depression and Anxiety. [For DW reference explanation, see: John Smith, Sarah-Jane Smith, Amelia Pond, River Song]

I wouldn't wish Depression and Anxiety on anyone, but it does me good to see that there are others battling mental illness and are still successful in life. Also, I am grateful that they are willing to share their experiences with us so that we can find hope ourselves.


So, a big thank you to everyone who chooses to share with the world that they've struggled. Hopefully someday the stigma will be gone.


Update: Turns out Peter wrote a load of tweets on the subject! Busy compiling them now.
Update 2: Here they are...

I'm Blue

Found this PET scan image by the Mayo Clinic very interesting (via Reddit).

Depression is a physical disability, a mood disorder. Not a personality flaw. Why can't people see that?

Here's an article by Dr. Norman Rosenthal, MD, to help detect Depression in yourself and loved ones. It addresses some of the more puzzling things about Depression, such as losing interest in doing the things that once gave you joy while being able to continue low-commitment things like surfing the 'net and gaming.

The past few days have been...bad. For me. Emotionally. Haven't opened the blinds in two days. Haven't been on the treadmill in longer than that. Slept a lot the past couple of days trying to escape intrusive negative thoughts. Nothing like hurting myself or anyone, but sad, anxiety-ridden thoughts, nevertheless. Bad news is: the sadness and anxiety is creeping into my dreams. Needless to say, that makes me feel somewhat cornered emotionally. I have an appointment with a VA psychiatrist coming up soon, thank goodness.

What set this off? Well, my mood was already sort of flagging, but then I made the mistake of reading part of the EEO Report of Investigation. That triggered lots of anxiety and tears as well as reliving being fired. I've relived that day in some respect every single day since April 2011. It's very frustrating, and it's hard to distract myself from it.

At the same time, I'm incredibly grateful for the friends and family who are lending their financial and emotional support. In that way, it's Thanksgiving in my heart every single day.

Allie Brosh Sighting

Hey, guess what? Allie Brosh made an appearance on Reddit recently.

Once again, she does a better job of expressing what I've been going through than even I can.

I like that I have her words to help me explain what the heck is happening with me, but I'm so very sorry she has to experience it.

Please check out what she wrote.

Peace.

Edit: I just ran across this blog post addressing the ending of Allie's "Adventures in Depression" post and found it interesting.

Yana*

You may not know who Allie Brosh is by name but, if you spend much time online, you are bound to have seen the meme her work inspired.

See more on Know Your Meme

The original image is from her blog post entitled "This is Why I'll Never Be an Adult" on Hyperbole and a Half.

I've enjoyed Allie's work immensely; it's easy to relate to, funny, and the imperfect drawings are a great silly complement to her storytelling.

What really gripped me, though, was her post, "Adventures in Depression."
It is an apt description of what people with Depression experience that needs to be read by anyone who doesn't believe that Depression is a medical condition and anyone who hasn't suffered it themselves.

Seriously. There are people who believe that Depression doesn't exist, that someone is just going through a self-induced, pessimistic sad patch in their life.

"Snap out of it."
"Get over it."
"Buck up, little camper."
"Smile."
"It can't be that bad."
"Shake it off."
"There are kids starving in Africa."

I told one coworker, "I'm on antidepressants for clinical depression." He said, "I don't believe in that. I'll pray for you." Nice guy. We're still friends, even though he is ignorant when it comes to mental health.

I have to say, though, that his reaction is preferable to the, "you have Depression; that's a mental illness, so you must have no intelligence, abilities, or redeeming qualities whatsoever," mindset.

Having a conversation with a supervisor once, I became frustrated and tears began to flow. I was confronting her about things others had told me she had done to basically ruin my career. She kept saying, "I'm sorry you FEEL that way," even though my words never said I felt anything; I was stating what had been reported to me. But she ignored that I was stating objective fact and tried to discredit my concerns by drawing attention and attributing my allegations to my "mental and emotional instability."

On the other hand, an ex once asked, "Why don't people run marathons for Depression awareness and research? I can't think of a worse illness."

I need your help to fight the stigma associated with mental health issues.

To facilitate this, I'll provide links here to mental health education and support resources as well as bring attention to sufferers who are in the public eye and open about their conditions.

Allie Brosh is the first.

Please check out her work and share it with others.
(Note: Allie has written articles for newspapers that I've read online, but I'm having a hard time finding them. Her blog is a good place to start. If you go through the posts, I think there may be links to articles.)

Thank you.

*Doctor Who (NuWho) series 3 spoilers, from "Utopia":
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"When the Doctor hears about Yana's timepiece, a flashback sequence inter-cut with the letters of the Professor's name makes clear that "Yana" is an acronym of "You are not alone", the Face of Boe's last words to the Doctor. At the same time, Yana opens the watch, releasing his Time Lord essence."

Tolerable Work Outs?

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill today. Make no mistake: I'm still not running. Not because I don't want to, but because I'm not able to run for any amount of time yet that makes it worthwhile to change the speed on the treadmill (if you saw how my laptop is set up on it, you'd see why).

To compensate for not being at a fitness level where I'm able to run and being unwilling to change the treadmill's speed, I change up how I walk in time to the music. It winds up forming little intervals where I'll be out of breath, then I can return to walking normally to catch my breath.

(Also, I accidentally increased the incline while setting up my laptop a few days ago and just left it. Figure it's good for me. As a result, I've begun striving for 30 minutes instead of an hour. Anything over 30 minutes is gravy.)

Admitting to my silliness on the treadmill embarrasses me a little, but I feel some ridiculous need to prove to you that I'm not just plodding along at the slowest possible setting.

Since I've starting using the treadmill recently, I haven't felt happy to be there. It's like taking medicine--the endorphins (however small the dose) are drugs to help me improve my life.

Slogging through treadmill time made me think of something else I've wanted to get into, but I keep starting and stopping. I figured I'm not doing crap while I'm on the treadmill, so I might as well try to meditate at the same time. I didn't know if it was possible, but I knew the Internet would tell me how others had fared when trying.

So I googled "meditation while running," and it brought me to this Runners World article. I actually read the whole thing (took me hours, starting and stopping--I feel almost constantly distracted). I don't know that meditation on a treadmill would be ideal, as part of the meditation is mindfulness of surroundings. But I figured, "Hey, if I can do it on a treadmill, doing it on a track or in the neighborhood will be a piece of cake."

I intend to try tomorrow; I'll let you know how it goes.

Today I looked a bit into building a playlist that I give a crap about because I thought maybe the radio's commercials were bringing me down. I simply don't have the patience to cobble a playlist together. There are several available to download for free online (many in line with Couch-to-5K (C25K) training), but lots of them are just, like, rave music or something. I kind of need familiarity, otherwise the music's just irritating.

It may seem weird that I'm harping so much on this treadmill stuff when I'm not exactly sporty, it's not making me lose weight, etc. But it's the only part of my life and therapy I'm willing to share at this point. It's something. Maybe it'll help someone.

In other news, I've been reading some FlyLady and have set a timer to do a little something toward improving my environment every 30 minutes or so. In the course of this, I found a study guide I'd been looking for since it arrived via UPS. I'd left it in the box and put it on top of another nondescript box.

Heigh-ho, on we go.

Clutch-Poppin'

The last few days have not been going well as far as feeling as if I've progressed or accomplished anything. It's like I'm repeatedly popping the clutch: lurch forward, then screech to a halt. Over and over.

I haven't been logging food and accomplishments like I said I would, and I haven't hit the treadmill every day. But I refuse to beat myself up about it. I'm just here to confess and move on.

On the plus side: I've been taking my meds every day and have been able to fall asleep at night. Now if I can just master Staying Asleep and Sleeping a Reasonable Number of Hours, I'll be golden.

One resource that helps me get off my duff sometimes when I feel like my brain is flat-lining is The FlyLady. Now, before you head over there, let me warn you: a *lot* of what is on the site and in the multiple daily emails is trying to sell stuff from her store. But, if you don't need products, just ignore that part. Take the motivation you need from the anecdotes, and tailor her methods to your own life. At the very least, she will teach you to delete unread email with no remorse.

I talked to a good friend about motivation; she says sometimes she has to make a point to congratulate herself on every little thing she does to get through the day. I totally agree that that's a smart way to go. I mean, I've been known to beat myself up about little crap that barely matters, why not congratulate myself on getting things done?

Why do I have "topics" available as a label/tag for posts? Dumb.

Bump-Jostle-Jostle-Irk

I've hit a bump in the road. It started around Sunday. I didn't want to do crap. But it was Sunday, so I didn't. Monday was the same, but I at least got on the treadmill. Yesterday I did an errand and put out the trash. And that's it.

I look around and see that my housekeeping is going down hill again, and my mind pretty much screams at me when I realize I need to get off the couch for anything.

I'm apathetic, and I'm not sure why. But I'm about to do the music/coffee/sunlight combo to see if it helps. Maybe I can be apathetic while in motion.

Happy March!

You guys, I just accidentally threw my dogs' ball over the fence into the neighbor's yard. So instead of going over there to retrieve it, I'm journaling to alleviate my anxiety.

I don't fiddle with the admins stuff enough to know what the heck I'm doing regarding following other blogs, but check out my followers in the sidebar over there. They have their own blogs, and they're smart peoples. To give you an idea how clumsy I am with this site, I just almost followed my own blog trying to follow theirs. So...yeah.

So, happy March! The winter weather here hasn't been terrible, but I'm loving 70F-ish, sunny, and breezy. I think it helps my mood.

I'm working hard on keeping my routines, but I'm admittedly falling short. Three things I've had to newly resolve to do each morning:
-Eat & have coffee as soon as I get up
-Open the blinds and let some light into my cozy cave
-Turn on the radio--up-tempo music wakes me up. Lots of bass is a plus.

Also, I've found that taking my antidepressant at night helps me sleep. Go figure. When the doc prescribed it, he said, "Ok, there are two that fit your budget. One mellows you out and should be taken at bedtime. The other has an energizing effect and should be taken in the morning." Since I have trouble getting out of bed, I chose the "energizing" one. So I've been taking that every morning and struggling to get anything done. But guess what? I missed it the other morning and tried it at night. It helped me fall sleep! I thought it might be a fluke, so I've continued this way for the past few days and...yep. About 2hrs after I take it, my mind gets quieter. Go freakin' figure.

I haven't been reading those books. The good news is: I can pinpoint why I've stalled on each one.

For Winter Blues, it's because of what I've learned about Transcendental Meditation (TM) via YouTube. Winter Blues includes ideas for beating depression; there's a new chapter included on TM. I ran across some videos on YouTube and went to the websites mentioned in the videos. Long story short, people espousing the benefits of TM insist that it's impossible to learn TM via book, video, CDs, etc. This is horrible news for people like me because there's no way to afford hiring a practitioner for lessons. It really just smacked of scam. I'm quite disillusioned. So it's put me off the book, and I haven't read any more of it since. I will read it, though, because I promised. Also, chances are there are other suggestions included that can help.

For The Nerdist Way, there's homework in Part One. It stopped me in my tracks. I'm having a hard time visualizing the system of points he lays out, for some reason. I haven't given up, I've just put it aside and am refusing to beat myself up about stalling. I have so much paper clutter in my house, I am hesitant to do things via hard copy, and I became annoyed trying to do it in Excel (the homework suggests using graph paper) when I couldn't even visualize it and my screen was too tiny to fully examine the examples from the website. But as I said, I haven't given up. I told my therapist I'm willing to try anything for progress, and I think what Hardwick has to say will be valuable to me.

Someone on Twitter just suggested that I throw the dog over to get the ball back. HA! :-D That's thinkin' outside the yard!

Yeah, so other major stuff:
-Didn't get the most recent job I was gunning for
-Dominated on cardio this week
-Kicked ass on yard work yesterday

What a boring life I lead! But it's all good.

Cardio--I'm practically breaking my arm patting myself on the back because I have done 20-60 min on the treadmill almost every single day since my last post! Wow! I did take Sunday off because my body said "F.U." due to the yard work I did on Saturday. But I even hopped onto the treadmill on Saturday after yard work! So, there! Put that in your pipe, etc.

So interesting that a certain entity requires a certain level of fitness but provides crap for training on how to achieve their standards. They provide no initial or recurring education, but they're quick to punish and belittle.

Here's what I've learned: to work on the speed of your running, you should run at a pace of 180 steps per minute. Since, as I stated before, up-tempo music helps me get moving, I've kept the local pop station blaring on my stereo while on the treadmill. It is hard to find music that's 180 beats per minute (bpm) but fairly easy to find music that's 90 bpm. I can't find the motivation to actually cobble together a playlist right now, but when I finally do, I'm going to use DJ BPM Studio's site to build it.

In the meantime, here are some songs I've heard on the radio that really help keep my mind off the drudgery of the treadmill.

• Party Rock Anthem (LMFAO)
• Sexy and I Know It (LMFAO)
• Stronger (Kelly Clarkson)
• Set Fire to the Rain (Adele)

I'll post more as I think of them.

And with that, I have to leave you to do my treadmill time right now. I've procrastinated far too long today, and I still need to shower and go meet my neighbors. :-o
Peace.

Hope

I've been clinically depressed for a long time. During the past 12 or so months, everything crashed. My meds weren't working well, I couldn't get out of bed much less accomplish anything, and I lost both of my jobs.

My family and friends have been supporting me emotionally and, since my savings ran out, financially.

A few weeks ago, I finally pulled myself off the couch and sought help at the VA. For so long I could see no light at the end of the depressive tunnel. But I finally glimpsed some hope, and it was enough to spur me to seek help. Since then I've still struggled daily with the mess of emotions this mood disorder brings. But for some reason, the clouds are parting. There's a fragile, gossamer ladder hanging to the bottom of the well where I am, and I hope...HOPE...to be able to muster what it takes to reinforce it enough to climb the hell out of here.

I know, so many clichés. So what? They're accurate and adequate.

Sometimes people are ridiculed for reading self-help books. But what's worse is not being able to give two shits about helping yourself in the first place. So I'll freely admit I'm reading two self-help books at once right now. One is goal-centered; the other is about treating depression.

• The Nerdist Way: How to Reach the Next Level (In Real Life)
• Winter Blues, Fourth Edition: Everything You Need to Know to Beat Seasonal Affective Disorder

I'm not far into either of them yet, so I don't have criticism. What's important is that I'm presented with options and find inspiration to work daily to improve my situation. So far, so good. But really, I wouldn't have acquired either book in the first place if I didn't think the authors had something helpful to say.

You may notice that the release date for this edition of Winter Blues is in late 2012. Yes, I've been sent an advance copy which I'm reading and then will submit my comments to the publisher. It's sort of a pathetic little morsel of one of my old dreams, to have my feedback on publications valued. Gotta start somewhere.

Anyway, I'm making list upon list of goals and prioritizing, and I decided that one thing I need to do for my mental health is journal. I hate writing by hand; it's unwieldy, tedious, time-consuming, and tiring. Lucky you, I've decided to spew my crap here instead.

It's been said that happiness & success are in the journey, not the destination. So another broad goal I have is to develop daily habits that I had when I was happiest, including having a set bedtime/straightening out my days & nights and expending some calories in a semi-athletic manner.

Because of standards set by an entity I will not name here, I'll be doing one minute of push-ups, one minute of sit-ups, and an hour on the treadmill daily. That's the goal, at least.

Fat Girl on a Little Bike

The below happened and was written a few years ago...2006, I think?


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Anyone who has been out of shape eventually gets the wake-up call that they're no longer a spring chicken.  My "holy crap!" moment came when my pal Russ invited me to tag along for a "critical mass" bike ride near downtown San Antonio, Texas. 

That evening, I headed over to Russ's house around 6.  He'd said they do this ride every Thursday, so I believed and trusted him completely on every little detail of what I should expect, including "it's an easy ride," "it won't be very hot since it's in the evening," and "I think there's one small hill, but it's easy."  

So we go downtown, I was outfitted with Russ daughter's helmet and bicycle, and I actually wore shorts in public.  He suggested that I ride the bike around in the parking lot for a little while to get used to it.  It was kinda scary!  I hadn't ridden a normal bike (as opposed to stationary) in about 7 years.

We finally mounted up at 7:30.  Russ said there were probably about 100 people riding.  Shortly after starting, I realized that Russ was leaving me behind, so I tried to catch up with him.  Well it was lots harder than I thought it would be!  So I finally just gave up and went at my own (embarrassingly slow) pace.  Kids were passing me, and I don't mean teenagers. I'm talking third graders, here.  

Then we hit a hill.  OhMyGod!  I downshifted, and it was still hard.  I didn't trust my balance enough to stand up on the pedals and use my weight, so it was pretty rough.  Then we stopped for a stoplight, THANK GOD, but we stopped right next to a roadkilled possum.  PEW!!  

So we turned the corner when the light changed and went up the Mother of All Hills.  I had to get off of the bike near the top and finish it.  After the hill, we rode a bit more, then we hit ANOTHER hill.  My legs were about to give out; I couldn't believe it!!  My legs were worse-off than my lungs or heart.  Ugh.  So I walked the second half of that hill.  And the bad thing is--I could barely even WALK up that hill!  OhMyGod!  It felt like I'd mysteriously teletransported to freaking San Francisco!  

When I reached the Trinity University campus, I found that Russ had stopped to wait for me.  I told Russ I wanted to throw in the towel, but he and a couple other people encouraged me, "Don't worry, that's the last hill."  So I followed Russ down this strangely LOOOOOOOOONG, winding ramp which he navigated--no problemo!  I tried braking, but it didn't work as well as I would've liked, so I put one foot down (witnesses later described it as "Flintstone style") and wound up CRASHING--on a handicap ramp! One would think a handicap ramp would be safe to roll down, yes?  

After carefully extracting my leg from the space between the torture device disguised as a handrail and the evil bicycle, I gingerly hobbled down to a picnic area and let myself down onto a bench.  There were people who had hung behind...much to my dismay.  Whenever I fall or do something otherwise stupid, I instinctively look around to see if anyone saw.  This time, someone definitely saw.

I guess they're really big into teamwork and safety, so a guy and a girl came over to the bench with me.  Russ had stopped at the bottom to wait for me, and I told him, "Come back to pick me up in the car later.  I can't go any farther!"  So I sat down, and this guy asked, "Are you ok?  How do you feel?"  I said, "I'm tired and dizzy and I'm beginning to see spots."  

Then he said, "Look directly at me."  So I did, and he said, "You have heat exhaustion.  Are you nauseated?"  Um, it was 95 degrees in the shade, I'd spent two full minutes huffing rotten possum fumes, I'd just biked/hiked more hills than I've ever cared to traverse without the help of a motor, and I'm embarrassed beyond belief.  Yes, I was nauseated!  So he went away and brought back a cute, teeny-bopper female lifeguard from the pool to see the carnage and a dripping wet towel which he had me put on my neck.  He told me to take off my shoes.  Then he very nicely lectured me about drinking enough water and eating enough before I ride.  

Anyway, they were really, really nice to me.  I kept telling them I was OK, just tired, and I'd be all right if I could just sit there and not have to ride ever again!  


The lifeguard (Colleen) said I could come sit with her at the pool to watch men's water polo practice and put my feet in the water 'til Russ came back with the car.  (Who was I to argue?!?  Sweet!) She told me that my lips were purple when she first brought out the towel for me, but after a while they turned pink again.  She also cleaned up my wound from my crash--puncture wounds at the bottom of my right calf from the gear thingie poking me.  It looks like it is deep enough that it will scar.  Joy!  Not that I wear shorts so often. 

OH!  And I RACKED myself on that bar that goes from the seat to the handlebars.  OW!  I've never been happier to be testicle-free!

The guy, girl and Russ all told me not to let the crash discourage me from coming out to the ride next week.  (Fat chance!) They said to drink tons of water all day Wednesday and Thursday so I'd be hydrated in time for the ride Thursday evening.  Once Russ brought the car back to the pool, he said that that guy who was asking all the questions was a cop who's also a paramedic.  Hey, free emergency health care!  Russ also said that if I hadn't improved quickly enough, that guy probably would've called an ambulance.  Uh, yeah--that's the LAST thing I need is medical bills!  They overreacted a little bit, but it was a good wakeup call for me that I am totally and completely out of shape.


© 2011 Deana Wallace